-Ahhh! Gahhhahaha!
So... where do you want to to begin?
Where things always begin.
In bed.
Hm!
You never know when you wake up...
that this is the day your life is going to change.
It started out just like any other day.
Hello?
Certainly, sir.
And here is where the train started to go... a little off track.
I have had the unfortunate task
of eliminating several key staff.
Since you are one of last people hired
I have no choice but to start with you.
Now I know this is unexpected
but you are a very capable young woman
and I am certain that you will be able to find something right away.
So, if you wouldn't mind, I would like you to empty out your desk
and vacate the premises immediately. A security guard will show you out.
You're home early!
Finally, I get to meet Tom's sister!
Oh God, I've been waiting for so long to meet you. I'm Teena,
with a double "e".
I don't need your department sticking it's nose where it doesn't belong, all right?
But how this witness--
You have the right to a presence of an attorney. If you desire not to afford an attorney,
one will get appointed to you before any questioning--
...shot already, call it what you want, but I'm telling you, that's the way it looks. 29.1
The phone didn't ring.
I got the house, the furniture... his unpaid bills.
But Tom got all our friends.
So I did what any lonely girl with no job and no man would do.
♪ ...Until it's too late ♪
♪ You see this has to happen ♪
♪ You won't have time to blink ♪
♪ We've taken this for too long ♪
♪ And we'll no longer wait ♪
♪ To exterminate ♪
Oh, that was mine.
That isn't gonna fit you. Trust me.
I-I-I put this aside.
My girlfriend is a size two. Are you? A two?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
And here's when the train got completely derailed.
-Ooh!
-♪ This revolution ♪
-♪ Silent revolution has begun--♪ -
You simply cannot go around beating up men, Ms. Case.
The state of Texas doesn't like it.
But, Judge, he stole my blouse!
-Were you wearing it at the time? -No.
I'm sentencing you to 12 months of outpatient treatment
at the Center For Rage Management,
once a week, for an hour.
If you sucessfully complete the program, your record will be expunged.
But--
Or... 52 hours in jail. Your choice.
And that's how I ended up there... with them.
I'm Stella. And I use my car as a weapon.
Ahhhh!
He lived.
She only hit her husband. They were going through a bad divorce.
Hi, I'm Nikki.
And I-I don't use my words.
It wasn't her fault. The guy would never take his clothes out of the dryer.
I'm Marsha. And I... treat my help badly.
Once upon a time, she'd been a Miss Tennessee.
But her ex husband had just left her for her younger version of herself.
She took it out on her maid.
Kim. Assault and battery with a salad fork.
Looking back, it's not so hard to believe that
you put a bunch of angry, violent women in the same room
something bad might happen.
Well, can I send you my resume? And then if anything opens up, you can call me.
Well, could I-could I give you my name?
Take that!
Ha!
Well that's a very unique thing to share.
I'm sure you'd made your mother very happy
-and she must be very relieved. -Thank you.
Alex, you've been awfully quiet. Is there anything you'd like to share with the group?
No, I'm fine.
-Doesn't look like it. -Yeah, I-I'm fine.
I mean, after all that I did for him, I-I paid the bills
and I supported his song writing career.
Putz.
Why are they always named Tina?
With a double "e".
Oh, do you mean her name or her bra size?
You know, Alex, every relationship requires two participants.
So you were definitely in this for a reason. Any thoughts on this, ladies?
-The classic fixer. -Yeah.
-Classic. -W-What does that mean?
Well, it means, uh, that you like to fix people
and then it makes you feel needed.
I mean, it's not your fault, you know. It's a sickness.
When Tom didn't need you any more, it made you angry.
And you took it out on the guy in the store.
Which is also totally fine with me, I mean...
he sounded like an asshole.
All that trouble over a synthetic blend.
It was a very nice shirt.
Oh, well, I think we did really great, great work today.
I'll see you next week. Bye-bye now.
Hi! Alex!
Hey! Come join us. Come on in.
-This is the little Muhammad Ali.
-Welcome. -You're way behind us. Ya gotta catch up.
They only want an hour.
-Alex, you have to show us. -Okay. Okay.
I was, like, "Don't push me around! Shut up, jerk! Oh yeah?"
I'm taking this, okay?
-Oh!
Thanks. -Oh my God!
Oh, excuse me. Sorry.
Two beers.
Did I just imagine that?
Silent Revolution now.
Silent Revolution.
That's the thing about loneliness. It makes you overlook the obvious.
And honestly, I liked these women.
They were a little nuts, but are interested in me
and what I had to say.
So what happened next didn't seem that strange.
I gotta go home. I got work tomorrow. No, I do.
I don't have to get up. Accountant seeks work, film at 11.
Really?
And then she offered me a job.
She owned an extermination business
and gotten herself in trouble with the I.R.S. over some back taxes.
-Hey! -Hey, how's it going?
Great.
Well, the good news is that I have it all figured out.
The bad news is it's a pen, not a wand
and you are going to owe the government some money for 2005 and 2006.
Ohh, really?
Aw, I got a kid in college.
The last thing I need is some big, fat tax bill.
Can't we cheat?
No, I'm just jokin'.
Are you hungry? I made some lasagna. Smell!
I still cook for four, even though all the kids are gone. I still do it.
I really do miss 'em.
-Do you cook? -Well, that was Tom's department,
but, looking back, he really didn't do much of that, either.
What did he do all day?
Oh. Yeah, I guess that takes up a lot of time.
Did you really... try to kill your husband with your car?
Yeah... Couple o' times.
But, see, my granddaddy, he started this whole business.
And then me and jackass were running it,
you know, together.
And then, when we decided to get divorced, he tried to steal it from me, you know.
So I rammed him a couple times.
I don't know what the big deal is, 'cause, you know, because when Kathy Bates does it in Fried Green Tomatoes,
everyone claps and they cheer.
And then when I do it, it's like... a felony, you know.
So, the Judge decides to take the whole business and split it right down the middle.
Um, I have Travis and I have Hays, and Bastrop. That's my section.
And he has Burnet and Blanco and Llano.
And as long as I stayed on my side, I'm fine.
Oh, shoot.
ABC Pest, big and small, we get 'em all.
Oh.
Okay... Yeah, that would be great.
See you then.
I.R.S. guy on Friday.
Can we, uh, get you anything? Maybe some coffee?
No.
How about a big piece of pecan pie?
No. Thank you.
Mr. Hutt, you know, I--
always wondered, you know,
how does someone choose a career in the I.R.S.?
I mean, is it something you've always wanted to do?
Sorry, Hutt, keep failing you psych evaluation.
But I'm on new meds.
Yeah. No.
Yes.
Why don't you go file something?
Mm. Yeah, maybe I will.
Well, if you need anything at all, just let me know.
Well... everything seems to be in order.
-You've done some good work here, Miss Case. -Thank you.
Now, uh, we need to talk about a payment schedule.
Right. Uh, my client was hoping to make quarterly payments
spread out over... 60 months.
60 months? Ooh! 60 months. Oh.
60 months. 60 months would be, uh, highly unusual.
But, uh, exceptions could be made.
Well, maybe we could, uh, talk about it, you know, over dinner.
Oh! Um, I-I don't think that's a good idea.
Are you sure?
-Um, oops! I'm so sorry. -Very hot.
Let me give you something, um... Is that really hot?
-Yes! -Oh, does that hurt?
Ohh. Ahh.
Hey! Look what I just whipped up, Want some fresh ham?
You'll be hearing from me, Ms. Agovino.
Drop by any time.
What's going on with his pants?
He asked me out to dinner and put his hand on my knee,
-and then I just threw coffee on his crotch. -Oh.
It was great.
Dammit! I saw that stain on his pants
and I--I thought you did me a favor.
Oh well.
Oh yeah.
That's neat.
I was a half an hour late.
He hit you with a closed fist?
Oh, so, if he hit her with an open fist, he's a half way decent guy?
-You have to leave him. -I can't.
He said that if I ever leave him, he'll find me and kill me.
Thank you.
My sweet little beautiful. Mm...
Where the hell were you been, baby?
Rick, please don't do this here. All right?
I asked you a damn question.
But... I think I already know the answer.
Being here with your little... bitch brigade.
It's not like that, okay? We're just--we're just having a beer.
Trying to get laid?
No, we're just having a beer.
I'll tell you what, that's fixin' to change tonight. C'mon. Let's go.
Rick, just stop it!
Stop, okay?
-Come on, asshole! Let's go! Huh?
I'll handle this.
-That's it. -Why you got two badasses in here?
You got three seconds to get outta here or you get the ugly stick.
Uh, you're the ugly stick. I'll see you later, Gandit!
Okay?
You're not. Someone's got to take you to the hospital.
-You might want to go out the back door. -Yeah, bring her out the back.
I'll take you. I'm still on the Board at Memorial.
-Oh shit! -Want me to go?
-I'm sorry. -Don't be sorry.
Will you call us and tell us that she's okay?
I don't believe that just happened. I don't believe it.
Come on, I gotta catch the bus, they're gonna stop running soon. We don't want him to come back.
-No, you know what? I'm gonna give you a ride. -Are you okay to drive?
Yeah, I'm a little drunk, but that was so sobering, I can't even tell ya.
Do you want me to drive?
Yeah, if you drive, then I can drink.
That's so messed up.
This car is as big as a boat.
Mm. And with my car issues
we should be riding in a monster truck.
Hey! Is that that guy? That's Rick!
Oh my gosh, there he is.
Oh, that jerk. You got to follow him.
-Come on, you got to follow him! -Okay.
What? I just wanna see where he's going.
Don't lose him.
-You're gonna have to speed up. -Okay, okay. Calm down.
-You can't lose him! -Okay!
Ah, man. What an ass.
He's the number one asshole.
And, look, we're right up his crack.
Hey, Stell, what happens when you go in one of Trent's counties?
Oh, well, technically, I could be arrested.
-This is crazy. -No, this is fun!
This is like Charlie's Angels.
Mm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the original with Farrah.
Where is this bastard taking us?
-Are you okay? -Yeah, I said I'm fine!
You know, I just can't believe that some... jerk like him, would--would, I mean,
what kind of animal would hit a girl like that?
-You said you were fine. -I know.
But I lied.
Oh my God! Oh!
I thought you only hit your husband!
Well--well, I'm expanding my operations.
Fuck you!
Where--Where'd he go?
Oh, oh, wait! Look out!
-Holy shit! -♪ ...we gonna have a good time... ♪
Wow! Do you think he's dead?
Yeah, he's dead.
But... I didn't hit him that hard. I'm going to jail.
No, I was the one that was driving.
Yeah, but thy're never going to believe that. I'm the one with the record and the car.
Well--well, should we call the police?
Yeah, you do that, we'll all really to jail.
It was an accident.
We're three drunk women with assault records.
Shouldn't even be allowed out the county for Christ's sake.
Cone on, let's get out of here. Come on.
What if the kids in pick-up truck saw us?
No, no, no. They would've stopped.
Look, I think it's just best if we don't say anything, you know. Just get out of here.
No, I think nothing is suspicious.
You know, when I was in my dark place, I watched a lot of Law & Order
and I realized that most people get convicted
because someone confesses.
So if we keep our mouths shut then we have a chance.
-I--I do not want to go to jail. -Me either.
Yeah, it sucks.
All right, well... good. Deal. Let's get out of here. Then we won't say anything.
Okay, well, let's get our story straight, okay? So you dropped me off at 11,
I drove home, I read, and I-I went to bed.
I-I took the bus.
No, don't take the bus 'cause the driver's gonna remember someone who looks like you at midnight, so
so Stella dropped me off at 11 and then she took you home.
Okay.
All right. All right. Well, I... I gotta stop and get gas.
-Okay, just--just don't stop anywhere. -Why not?
Because gas stations have cameras and then they'll know what time you were there
and we don't want them to know.
Wow, you are really smart. How do you know this shit?
Law & Order.
I need another... drink.
Rick was an accident. We didn't mean it.
But what's done was done. We--we were better off just keeping out mouths shut.
Ohhhhhh!
-Stella. -Yeah, I'm reading it right now.
-And it says, "Probably due to a dimly lit road." Yeah.
Alex, hold on on a second.
ABC Pest. Big or small, we get 'em all.
Uh-huh, all right. All right. Hold on, please.
-Hey, Gary? -Yeah?
We got a lady with a possum in a pool. Can you please deal with this?
-Got it. -Thank you.
-Anyway, I jus---Come in!
...it's just so weird that they would print it.
Alex? I'm gonna call you back.
Heyyy! What's up?
I just came by to tell you I'm leaving town for a while.
Awww! What a bummer.
Is--Is Rick okay with that?
Rick's dead.
-Whaaat? -There was a car accident...
The police said he must have been drunk 'cause the car went on off the cliff.
Uh! Gosh, that's horrible! I'm so sorry. God--
The police? Found him?
Yeah.
They also said that some kids saw an old blue car... parked nearby.
Wow.
Kids and... drugs...
Kids are so messed up nowadays.
-Anyway, um...
I wanted to give you this.
Yeah, I've been saving up money for when I left him.
I don't need it any more.
I--
-Kim, I-I don't know what's going on---Stella, just take the money.
Look, I-I told the cops that I was hanging out with you guys at the bar
before I went to the hospital, so... they're probably gonna come here
and-and confirm my story.
-Well, you know---You should--you should get yourself a new car.
Quick.
Oh.
Well, I-I just want you to know that it's not like they way you think it happened--
I don't wanna know.
Just... take it.
And thank you.
You're welcome?
Alex? Call Nikki. We got to meet.
Then, she hands me this. $10,000 in a hundred dollar bills.
That's $3,333.33 each.
Look, we can't keep it. We got to give it back.
No we don't. She wants us to have it. It's like a gift, it's like a baby shower.
Yeah, a gift! A very generous gift.
By accepting it, we acknowledge that we did it.
-Oh yeah. You know, that's not good. -Uh, yeah, but except for we did it!
We didn't do it on purpose. You-you have to give it back.
I can't, I-I don't... I don't even know how to reach her.
Plus, she said she really wanted us to have it.
Yeah, think about her, Alex. It's not about you.
He was an asshole, anyway. No one cares!
She's happy he's gone, you know? Besides, uh, we really need the money.
Yeah, I know I do.
Okay, we keep it, but we have to do it legally.
We enter it as a receivable from a client.
And then we pay the taxes on it and then we distribute it to ourselves as a salary.
You wanna give the government some of that?
Well, Uncle Sam doesn't care how the pie got baked, as long as he gets a piece.
You gotta be kidding me.
And, Stell, you gotta get rid of that car today.
-Yeah, even Kim said that. -Law & Order.
Now we wait for the police.
Very nice.
Okay, that's it, Jeffrey. You can go now.
-Be sure you stay away from that candy. -Thank you, Dr. McGuire.
See ya, kid.
Excuse me.
Ahhhh!
I'm Detective Burke and this is Detective Gardner.
Uh, were you working here last Saturday night?
Yeah, he came in and started slapping her around,
I showed him the ugly stick and his way out the front door.
We went put for a few drinks, and then the asshole shows up, he hits her and then they left.
-And that was about 11. -What did you do then?
Stella dropped me off at the office, and then I drove home and went to bed.
I, uh, I dropped the girls off and then I drove home
and I had a snack and then I went to bed.
I took a shower... and went to bed.
What?
Alexandra Case? Austin College, Class of '97?
-Yeah, how do you know that? -Class of '98.
Oh.
Nice to meet you, I guess.
I'm sorry, Detective, but Doctor-Patient Privilege
prevents me from discussing anything that's talked about in therapy.
Unless that person confesses their intention to commit a felony such as murder.
I can assure you Kim Clark never discussed killing her husband.
Our records indicate that Mrs. Clark was in mandated therapy
for assaulting her husband with a fork.
Do your records mention the events that led up to that incident?
I didn't think so.
Prior to her arrest, Mr. Clark had beaten her over the head with a cell phone.
He then threatened her with a knife.
So she defended herself with a fork, stabbing him once in the chest.
And the Judge decided that is was she that needed anger therapy.
I think it's pretty ironic, don't you?
Well, I think the bottom line here, ma'am, is that a man is dead.
A very violent man who was a spousal abuser and a chronic alcoholic.
So, you think it's okay that he's dead?
No, I'm just not surprised.
Rick's body had a blood alcohol level of 2.0,
twice the legal limit.
So everyone just thought he lost control of his car. Case closed.
Hey, Alex, hurry up! The session's about to begin.
Coming!
And that would have been the end of it... if it weren't for Danielle.
So even though I'm surrounded by my household staff... all day long
I just... feel so alone.
Well, usually something triggers these episodes of despair.
What happened?
Well, um, I was watching this movie
and this man is in a hotel room and wakes up with a hooker in his bed
and she's dead.
And he immediately gets on the phone and calls ten friends.
And... it just got me thinking
that if I woke up with a dead hooker in my bed,
I wouldn't have anyone to call.
Thank you for sharing, Marsha.
Oh! Well, um, we're gonna pick up next week on
Marsha's feelings of alienation and fears of abandonment.
But, before we end the day, I'd like to introduce a new member to our group.
Or better yet, why don't you introduce yourself?
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Danielle.
Her husband was this hotshot lawyer and he always cheated on her.
She said the final straw was when she caught him with the Russian facialist
using the certificate that she gave him for Christmas.
She was staring at me. I mean, why was she staring at me?
I know you guys always think that I'm paranoid and stuff--
-She knows. -Yeah, see, I--I dunno--
Hey! Hey! I wondered if I could talk to you a sec.
Sure. I mean, we're all friends here.
Listen, my friend Kim, she told me I could talk to you about my problem.
To see if you could take care of it.
I'm sorry, but we can't help you. Come on, guys.
You know, I can pay you.
Yeah, he has that "home, a rich white guy" smirk.
You guys, this is wrong. We shouldn't even be talking about this.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right.
-Wha...? -She's right.
What?
Fine.
-So you're gonna tell her? -Oh, yeah, I'm gonna tell her.
I should have been suspicious. They gave in way too easy.
But I wanted to put it behind me
because, suddenly, I had other things to think about.
Hey! Excuse me, but the pumpkin pie is mine.
I don't see your name on it.
Well, I--I put it on the counter. Sir, that pie is mine.
Is there a problem here?
Nope. No problem.
-Officer... Burns? -Burke, Burke. Daniel Burke.
You didn't have to do that. I was resolving my conflict peacefully.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was just tryin' to help. Uh, pumpkin's my favorite.
Thank you. Have a nice day.
Hey! Can I help you with your stuff?
Oh, ah, it's okay, I'm fine.
Miss Case, I have a confession to make.
I thought it was the criminals that make the confessions.
Yeah.
Well, in this case, it's the good guy.
Um, well, you--you wouldn't know this, but
in... in college I had a terrible crush on you.
Well, since you have your dessert, why don't you let me buy your dinner?
Umm, I don't think that--that's a good idea.
Oh, okay.
I mean, it's not for you, you seem really nice... and cute.
Um, I jus--I just got out of this long thing with this big jerk, and
I just have, uh, a lot of issues.
It's just dinner, um.
It's never just dinner. 468.5
Hmm. Um.
-Are you married? -No.
-Engaged? -No.
Okay, I just want to be clear, so there's no confusion later,
is there anyone who would object to you asking a single woman out
in the fruit and vegetable and pie section of the supermarket?
Oh, you're--you're interrogating me now, that's--
Bad answer, but thanks for playing.
Wait, wait, I'm sorry, the... the answer is no.
There's no one out there that would be, um, angry
that I, uh, whatever--
whatever it was you said, no. No.
So?
-Christ!
This guy is such a tool.
Okay, well, calm down, we can figure this out.
No, I'm not gonna calm down! He calls this a payment plan?
He's gonna put me out of business.
Well this makes no sense, He wants everything in 90 days?
I know, I mean, I don't have that kind of money.
Gosh, why don't you go out and have dinner with him?
Or, or ss--I wish you'd slept with him.
Come on, be a whore for a friend.
I know, I know, but--
Shit!
Hey!
-Hey! -What are you doing here?
I work here now.
The dentist fired me.
Accident with the drill.
He lived.
So you're an exterminator now?
God, no, I'd never kill an animal.
She's just in here doing some stuff for me around the office.
We're expanding.
Nikki, don't bore her with all this stuff. I don't think we're gonna be expanding anyway
'cause that guy's taking all my money.
So? How's your life going?
Stella suggested an herbal seance for full karmic cleansing.
Then Marsha got me an interview
at her cousin's husband's accounting firm.
And my dinner date turned out to be funny and charming and smart and
-he has a job. -Whooo!
What does he do?
He's, um, a--
Since therapy is all about being honest,
I really should have said, "He's the detective who's investigating
the death of Kim's husband
which Stella, Nikki and I did by the way." But, what I said was...
Postman.
-A postman! Great!
I did feel guilty about lying, but with my track record with decent men,
I figured we'd be broken up in a week, so, why bring it up?
So when's your big date?
Oh, um, I wanted to talk to you about that later.
Just one more second!
Okay, so I preheated the oven.
No, the eggplant appetizer needs to be served cold.
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, it always tastes better.
But, the chicken, the chicken, you wanna take a little bit of brown sugar and sprinkle it on 'im.
And then, uh, then put it it the oven for about 25 minutes at 350.
Yeah. No, he's gonna love it. All men like that.
No, I'm proud of you. I think you're doin' a good job.
Psst!
Oh, yeah, and, uh...
I need, um, actually...
You know, I want to ask you, this doesn't look like chicken parmesana.
No, see, I didn't have mozzarella at all. So, I made a baked chicken
with an onion glazé.
Yeah. And it worked.
Yup. Psst! Psst!
I have total faith in you.
And I... absolutely. No, I think you're doing great.
And, uh, I hope you got a centerpiece. Two!
Well, I don't know, I like green apples in a vase
and then just fill it with water.
Well, maybe, uh, next time.
Okay, I'm... done! What are you guys doing tonight?
Nothing. Now, on to the Crème Brûlée.
They're so cute.
So you keep the blowtorch on low.
And then what you do is, you just slowww-ly, slowly fire it up so you don't burn the skin on top.
Okay. Okay, blowtorch on low.
And that's about it.
Ohhh! Look!
Love that.
Thank you so much. I'll call you tomorrow.
This is just in to us. An attorney from Houston has turned up dead in East Austin.
The body of private malpractice attorney Steven Cantor was found lying in an alley
behind the night club Chaos around 3 in the morning.
Sources tell us Cantor was bludgeoned to death with a golf club.
The police believe it was a robbery gone bad. Cantor's wallet and watch are missing.
Cantor's wife, Danielle, has been unavailable for comment.
Word is that she was vacationing in Aruba with sons Jer...
-Something smells good. -...at the time of the attack...
I told myself it was all a coincidence.
The papers said Cantor was high on ecstasy and Viagra.
He was definitely out looking for trouble.
Maybe... he found it.
Either way, it was none of my business.
You are an amazing cook.
-It was nothing. -♪ It's no big thing ♪
♪ Well I'm glad to hear that ♪
♪ It's so easy for you ♪
♪ I'm running in place, heading for nowhere ♪
♪ Sun in the sky ♪
-♪ And I can't hide for ♪
♪ Tears on my face ♪
♪ I know that in some of my state of this day... ♪
...two, one!
Happy New Year!!
You know, my girdle is so tight,
it's making me breathe differently.
-Hm. That's a bonus. -
Oh my God, it's Alex!
Hey, Alex! I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.
-Where are you? -We're at the mall.
Well, damn, I need some things from there. Why didn't you tell me?
Mm, it was a last minute thing, Al. Sorry.
What time you guys getting here?
We'll be there soon, Alex. Real soon. We just have one thing we have to do first.
-Alex, we gotta go. -Oh, wait! While you're there, can you--
Ready?
Let's roll.
-Ahhh!
Gahhhahaha!
-They came over? -Yes.
You didn't notice the blood on her shirt?
She said it was ketchup.
And you believed her?
I'm not a suspicious person.
But then there was Saint Patrick's Day.
We were all out celebrating early.
You know, singing, drinking...
...a transvestite where it's... a guy going into a girl
or it's a girl going in--transgenderous thing but it's...
You can-You can rent him for the evenin'. He comes to your house
and he, uh, he gives you blowjob lessons.
No way.
And I thought it would be great for a party, or, like, for--
we could-would could rent him for one of you. Marsha, he certainly, well, probably needs help.
Yeah... I'm Catholic.
I know, but guys won't pay for something like that.
Oh, niiice! Oh!
-I mean, like, we'll make the investment. -Yeah, yup. That's true.
I'm joking.
Oh my God, that guy just groped me.
-What? Where? -What do you mean?
-That guy over there. -Which guy? That guy?
Look-Look what he's doing.
You gotta to be kidding me.
This is the best. I love it! I'm sorry.
Why does he think it's okay to get drunk and to do that?
-I don't know. -It's not.
-Uh-oh. Here goes crazy. -Shut up.
Dude, dude, dude, dude! Come on. Come on!
What's she gonna do?
I'm sorry, baby, hold on.
What's up, mama?
Hmm. Thank you. Oh, you're so cute. Haha! He's so cute!
Marsha, where do we go to hock our jewelry?
-Wow! -Oh! I mean, just give me enough time...
Enough time and it's gonna be real somethin'.
Yeah, well, it would be best to use the state people.
It's like water in your hands. They melt every mother fuckin' time.
Babies, how beautiful. I love you.
-Thanks for the light, Hun. -Oh, mama, you got it. Ohh! Baby Jesus!
Play it cool. Play it cool.
-Alright, you know what? Marsha, you---I-I--
Oh my God, we have to get out of here.
-Sit down! I'm gonna enjoy this. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, dude! Dude! You're on fire!
Oh shit! I'm gonna miss it!
-It's getting good! -Call the fire department. Quick! Quick!
What a waste of beer!
Silent Revolution, Al.
You know that guy could have really been hurt?
So what? He was an asshole.
You know, the city is full of assholes. You can't go around setting them all on fire.
Why not?
What?!
...asshole.
You know, the city is full of assholes. You can't go around setting them all on fire.
Why not?
...and there was six of us, all girls. Hm! Poor father, God rest his soul.
And, you know, he worked for the electric company and my mom was a housewife
and so we never had any money. And I'm the fourth of six
so, forget about having anything new.
Which normally, you know, doesn't really bother me, but...
This one time, this is one time, I saw this dress in the window of Dress Barn
and I wanted to wear it to my Junior prom.
God, I begged my mother.
God, I begged her.
Mm. But... then my sister Mary Beth goes and breaks her arm.
So there goes the money for the dress, you know.
And I'm at school the next day, bitchin' about Mary Beth and then
Bo Turner tells me he'll pay me fifty bucks
if I have sex with his older brother.
I mean,
You'll pay me?
These days you might say... Michael was, I dunno, mentally challenged.
Back in the day, we just called him a retard.
So I go over there after school and I do it, no big deal
and I go find Bo to get my money. And the loser refuses to pay me.
I mean, I didn't actually think you'd go through with it.
So I'm, like, "You better pay me." And he's, like, "No, I didn't think you'd do it."
And I'm like, "Well, I did it, so pay me."
And then he's, like, "No."
So finally, I tell him, "Pay me or I'm gonna tell the Reverend and your mother
what you asked me to do." You better find it.
And he don't think I'm gonna do it.
And I'm like, look, I already had sex with him. The worst part's over. Like, what do I have to lose?
He pays me the money, I go straight to Dress Barn, I buy the dress
and they vote me Prom Queen.
Love that dress.
I still have it.
So what about any of you?
Anyone else here ever fuck a retard for a dress?
Um... Once I let my husband
put his penis in my anus for a Cartier necklace.
Does that count?
Yeah.
Hey, what are you doing home? I thought Tuesday was your night out with the girls.
-We had a fight. -About what?
Nothing.
You know, I'm sure it's gonna be fine. Um, how's work?
-It's busy. -Oh really? Okay.
-Dan, we gotta move. -Al, I gotta go, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
-Love you. Bye. -Love you.
You can't tell your cop boyfriend that
your pals like to set drunken frat boys on fire.
-Oh, hey. Alex! -Hey.
Hey! What are you doing here?
Oh, I just--Is Nikki here?
Yeah...
Yeah.
Hey, Nikki!
684.7
How you doing in there?
Yeah?
-Uh, guess what? Alex is here. -Huh?
-Alex. -Hold on!
Why don't you... come on in? Uh... Nikki's just, uh, finishing up some work.
Cool. Thanks.
-Hey, Nikki! -Here we are!
Hey.
Hey!
Cool outfit.
Thanks, thanks. Heh.
Look, um... I'm sorry about last week. I think... I think I overreacted.
No, it-it wasn't your fault.
I mean...
It was me, you know. And then--Still not-still not using my words, you know.
Forgive me.
-Of course. I just... really missed you guys. -Aww! And we missed you!
We did.
Talk about perfect timing.
-What? -Yeah.
-Here, it says it's "Special Delivery"... from the postman. -Thank you.
You guys are the best.
Hi, is Detective Burke here?
Thank you.
Uh, guys, let's take five.
Get in here.
-I'm sorry. -Don't worry about it, they're just jealous.
Wow, what is that?
Ah, city homicides.
Are all these pins dead people?
Ah, yeah, specifically males, 25 to 55.
Oh, and what are the different colors?
Well. The red are violent crimes. You know, stabbings, shootings, fires, that kind of thing.
He had this accident with a drill, you know.
Yellow are less violent, you know. Like vehicular accidents... cars, bikes.
I lied.
What are the white?
Digestives. You know, poisonings?
-Mostly arsenic. Arsenic.
Yeah. Strange, huh?
Hey, I'm gonna go heat this up.
Oh. How fas was that session?
All right. Well... hold on to your problems and I'll see you all next week.
-And then it was kind of fun. I don't know.
Hey! We're all going to the dive bar, right?
I think I'm just gonna go home.
Oh, come on! We're going to McNasty's. You know.
Well, I really have to catch up on my sleep, so, um, see you guys later.
Uh! Really?
Should we follow her?
...and I have a confession to make. You know, this, uh, pumpkin pie, when I say I love it so much,
I really, really, really love key lime pie. Do you like key lime pie? I lov--
My mom used to do make it this, this way and she put the crust on it with it. It just...
Amazing. For really good behavior
she'd reward us with key lime pie.
For just moderate behavior, she'd reward us with pecan pie.
And, um... Is everything okay? I-I feel like there's something on your mind.
No, I'm fine.
What's the matter?
What if you found out that a friend of yours was doing something wrong?
Something really, really bad. What would you do?
If you're really her friend...
I think you try to get her to stop.
-Alex? -I thought I saw a friend.
Who are you?
Oh, Alex, I'm pretty sure you know who we are.
We've been waiting for you, Alex. And now that you're here, it's time for you to answer some questions.
Like, for instance, what in the hell is going on?
I don't know what you're talking about.
We've been sitting up in Heaven laughing about how you girls just pretend--
Oh, come on! You guys are in Heaven?
Hey! We're some damn good guys.
Oh, that's not what I heard. I mean, I don't think anyone misses you. You guys are jerks.
-Hey, hey! Our mommies miss us. A lot. -Yeah.
Well, I don't think that counts cause I'm sure that Ted Bundy's mom misses him.
I never killed anyone, unlike certain people... in this room.
All right, well I understand why you're haunting me, but what are you doing here?
Jesus, she still doesn't get it.
We would not be here unless you... let us in.
Why would I do that?
Because you know what's going on, Alex.
You know what they're doin'. You know what they're doin' and it's your job to stop it.
I don't wannna talk about it.
-Come on, Alex. -Wake up, Alex!
-Al-ex. -Wake up, Alex. Wake up, wake up, wake up...
Hey, Alex. Alex, wake up. Alex! Alex, wake up!
-Ahh! -Jesus!
-Uh uh uh! -"Postman", huh?
-I'm sorry about that. -We trusted you, Alex.
-Yeah, we thought you were our friend. -Well, I'm still your friend.
Then why didn't you say anything?
Yeah, I wasted a whole Bray's rack of lamb on you, too.
Well, I didn't tell you because I didn't think it was gonna work out.
-What did you tell him about us? -Nothing, I would never tell him about Rick.
I was the one driving, remember?
-Ah. -What's going on here?
We woke up with a dead hooker in our bed
and we don't have anyone else to call.
So you guys ain't gonna... hurt me?
Alex... my God, you gotta stop watching those cop shows.
They're making you weird.
No... We only want you to be happy.
It's just...
I've got some big shit going down.
What?
I'm being audited and I need your help.
So why don't you just pay Uncle Sam what he's owed and be done with it?
-Uh. -It's a little more complicated than that.
Yeah. We had a little side business going.
Well, what kind of side business?
Well, it was... pest removal.
Four-legged or... two?
Do you mind if I take a shot?
No shit, huh? Really? A whole bulletin board!
You guys, I don't understand how you could do this.
We're sick, Alex.
You know that.
-We have issues. -Yeah, you know.
We can't really help it. These guys were assholes.
We only did it to the guys that deserved it.
-We actually turned a lot of women down. -Yeah.
I gotta know, do you think the police are onto us?
Well, I don't think so, but they might be soon. You guys gotta stop doing this right away.
I know! We will. We will.
Alright, we will, but...
It's just this... damn I.R.S. guy, you know. He's a problem.
This is where you come in.
I have this whole money mess thing happening and I need you to straighten it out before Tuesday.
Well, I don't get it. Why is money is a problem?
-I did what you did. -You put it through the company?
I didn't wanna break the law.
I mean, you're the one who said, that, you know, how Uncle Sam didn't care how the pie gets made, as long as he gets a piece.
Well, how big... is the pie?
It's pretty big.
Even I'm not that good.
-Oh, come on, Alex, we need your help. -Alex, please.
Oh, come on. Really, Alex? We... we need you.
That's what every fixer loves to hear. That someone needs them.
I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was... just doing my job. ABC was my client.
I was like Switzerland or the military. "Don't ask, don't tell." Right?
How did you guys come up with the idea to use arsenic?
They saw on T.V.
Oh yeah, but this one is an old classic. It's called Arsenic and Old Lace.
You know, Cary Grant...
I mean, jus' no one's better than Cary Grant. If I was gonna build a man, I'd build him.
I just love that they kill him with arsenic, you know. Put him in the window seat. It's great.
Oh! I think she just douched with patchouli.
Oh, wait.. You--this... this is it. It looks like enough?
No, way more.
Hi.
Hello.
-Hi. -Hi.
Hi, Harmony.
Um, I was just wondering how much this is.
-It's, uh, eighty-four fifty a pound. -Oh.
-Arsenic, huh? -Yeah, yeah, I actually need it for my work.
Oh.
We're exterminators.
Ah. Ha.
Don't you guys use, uh, chemicals for that?
No, actually, uh... you know, with everyone going green now,
uh, we came up with a more holistic approach.
Just because you're gonna kill something, doesn't mean you hafta harm the environment.
Yeah.
I see.
Well, um, how much of this stuff would I need to kill a rat?
-'Bout... that much... right here. -Oh.
What about a horse?
Mmm... like, two of those.
Could we--do you have any in back? We need enough to kill a whole herd of horses.
You know, actually, water's the problem.
You know, because you got to get them to drink a lot of it or else it doesn't work.
So liquor, wine... No problemo.
-It was that easy? -Yup!
And then, you know, word got out and pfff!
You won't believe how many unhappy women there are in this world.
And no court of law is ever gonna give them justice.
Well, didn't it ever occur to you guys that you could be caught?
You know, the Lakota Indians...
they believe that when you've made a decision, you know,
and you've... really committed to something,
that the whole universe aligns behind you, you know, to kind of...
propel you forward.
I know, I think the Indians say it better, but I know what you mean.
You get it, though. Right?
Okay. I'll see what I can do.
♪ Got a secret, can you keep it? ♪
♪ Swear this one you'll save ♪
♪ Better lock it in your pocket ♪
♪ Taking this one to the grave ♪
♪ If I show you then I know you won't tell what I said ♪
♪ 'Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead ♪
♪ Why do you smile like you've been told a secret? ♪
♪ Now you're telling lies 'cause you have sworn to keep it ♪
♪ But no one keeps a secret ♪
♪ No one keeps a secret ♪
♪ Why when do our darkest deeds do we tell? ♪
♪ They burn in our brains, become a living hell ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody tells ♪
♪ Everybody tells ♪
♪ Got a secret, can you keep it? ♪
Is there anything else you'd like me to explain to you, or...?
Miss Case, this would probably go a lot faster if I had some privacy.
Oh. O-o-okay, We should, uh, go... around the corner. Sorry!
Damn! I wanted that.
Miss Case!
Uh! I'm going to need to... take these with me.
Great!
I'll be, uh, in touch in a few days.
Why am I nervous?
-
Well, hello there, handsome.
Oh... Kim Clark?
Naw. She don't live here any more. She moved months ago.
Well, can yell me where I can find her, it's important.
You a cop?
Not exactly, I'm with the I.R.S.
I'm investigating a case and I need to talk to Kim Clark.
Can't help ya. She moved months ago, right after her husband died.
And you are...?
Rita.
Rita what?
Rita not-tell-you-my-last-name.
Well, can you tell me where I can find the person who runs this place?
You're lookin' at 'er.
Oh. Well, maybe you could explain something to me...
Uh, did this building have any kind of infestation problem,
say, around the time Mr. Clark died?
Are you tryin' to say that my property is dirty?
I'll tell you right now, I had the Housing Inspector out here last month
and we got a clean bill of health!
Okay. I--I'm... Sorry. I'm sure you did. I'm not trying to insult you.
I'm just trying to find out why Mrs. Clark paid
an extermination company a rather large sum of money last fall.
Well, it wasn't for no bugs, I could tell you that.
Well, all right, then.
You're free to go.
Yes I am. And you're free to stay away from here!
If I see you again, I take a shotgun to you!
Get out of here, you Mr. I.R.S. Man! I've had it with you. I've had it!
You're a very rude person.
Oh, you government guys ...they're all the same.
Oh ho ho! Yeah, back to ya, buddy!
Hey, I got a double dose for you! Government man.
Hi! Can I help you?
I'm sorry to bother you, but
I'm Robert Hutt, I'm an investigator with the Internal Revenue Service.
-Oh! -Who is it, Blanca?
It's, uh, Mr. Hutt... from the Internal Revenue Service.
I'm Danielle Cantor.
...wanna talk to you a sec.
We're all friends here.
Can I help you?
Oh.
I've missed you these last few days.
Me too. I've been so busy.
Yeah, I know, your friends. I understand.
But there's something we need to talk about.
What?
Alex, these last few months have been great.
And I want us to be together... always.
But... honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, so there's something I need to know.
Can you really cook?
What?
I mean, don't get defensive, but come on!
At your house, we have lamb shank, brochettes...
At my house you can barely boil water.
I can't cook. That was Stella. She's been doing it.
I knew it!
Oh my God, don't cry. Please don't cry.
It's no big deal, really.
I just... something I needed to know before I did this...
Alexandra Case... Will you marry me?
Oh my God.
Okay, this is the part where you say "Yes".
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I love you, Alex.
I love you. But maybe there some things I should tell you about,
some things that I'm not proud of.
Whatever went on before... doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is what happens from this day forward.
-Really? -Here, come here.
'Cause I don't wannna lose you.
You won't.
Excuse me, Miss Case.
Ohh... Mr. Hutt.
I'm sorry to interrupt your little celebration
but I thought I should you know I've discovered
some discrepancies in the work you did for ABC Pest.
Oh, well, I find that hard to believe,
but if you wanna call me at my office, I'd be happy to talk to you about it tomorrow, so...
Excuse me.
It can't wait.
If you don't get outta my way, I'm gonna scream!
Oh, please do. Call your little cop boyfriend.
There's a lot of things I'd would love to tell him about you... and your friends.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Don't be stupid, Miss Case.
Remember...
We're the I.R.S.
I know everything about you.
I know you graduated 16th in your class at Austin College.
By the way, the boyfriend was only number 437.
I know you spent more money on your hair than you do on food.
I know you got your living room chairs at Neiman Marcus, $750, including delivery.
I know your parents are dead and your sister lives in Connecticut.
I also know you finally got yourself a nice guy.
And what you and your friends have been doing could ruin everything.
What do you want?
The numbers in that ledger are a lie and you know it.
You tell me everything you know about ABC Pest, I become a hero to my bosses
and the bad guys... or girls,
go to jail.
And he doesn't have to know a thing.
It's him or them, you choose.
But if I don't hear from you within 48 hours,
I'm going to have to pay a little visit to Officer Daniel J. Burke, number 437.
Hey. What's going on?
I just, uh, feel really... dizzy from the wine. Do you mind if we go home?
Yeah, it's been a big night. Come on. You all right?
Well, this is a really big day, girls. We have a graduate here.
Congratulations, Alex.
I mean, to think a year ago... you walked in a miserable,
angry, sad and depressed woman.
And now look at you.
You're this happy and vivacious woman with her whole life ahead of her.
I've done great work.
All right. One last trip to McNasty's.
I think I should go home.
-Oh, come on. -What?!?
No. No, no, no!
You do you realize this is it, right?
-Come on, one last drink. -It's never just one.
Shh! Here she comes. Shh!
Surprise!
Please, everybody! Could you grab a glass?
It's-it's good champagne. I paid for it.
And I just-I just like to say a very quick thing and make a toast.
I know you're expecting me to say something really funny right now, but I'm not gonna do that.
Because, uh, I really just wanna say...
that... our friend Alex really defines the definition of a true friend, and
I know we all love her here, and we're all gonna really miss her.
-So, we love you, Alex. -Yeah.
-To Alex. -To Alex!
Hey, I wanna take up smoking so I can have skin like yours.
Man...
Think they'll ever let us graduate?
No!
Okay, that wouldn't be a good idea, would it?
I need a drink.
Happy.
Does anybody wanna play pool?
-Heyyy! -Hey.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I was just thinking that, um,
that everything good in my life I owe to you guys.
Awww!
I'm gonna really miss you.
Well, I'm not going anywhere.
♪ And everything comes with a price ♪
♪ But how much can you sacrifice ♪
♪ You feel when you win you still lose ♪
♪ And no one else is in your shoes ♪
♪ And the drive is long... ♪
That'll do fine, Miss Case.
Jesus, it's hot in here.
I want you to know... I really tried to do the right thing.
I really did.
But one thing I learned in therapy...
is that I don't always have to do the right thing.
I mean, sometimes I can just do... what's good for me.
You understand that, don't you?
Do you need more water?
They say that water is a problem, you hafta... drink a lot of it.
What have you done?
I did what any girl would do if she woke up and she found a dead hooker in my bed...
I called my friends.
All right!
Investigators have identified the badly decomposed body of a white male
found by workers in a Texas motel last week.
Sources say he is Robert Hutt, from the Internal Revenue Service.
They tell us that Hutt had been under investigation for conduct unbecoming a federal officer.
When police searched his home, they discovered private files
of young women that Hutt has allegedly harassed over the last 20 years.
In other news, fire...
Okay. Places, everyone. Here you go.
It's beautiful!
-Okay? -You ready?
Let's get you married.
Okay, here we go.
-Whoo!
-I don't get it. -You were right.
Out with the old and in with the new. Whoo!
You're officially out of business.
Goodbye, ABC Pest.
And hello ABC Catering.
-Cheers to working hard. -Cheers to that.
Thanks.
Did you see that?
-Was that the, um, Chief of Police, Stella? -Yes it was.
-You're amazing. -And, uh, not only are we going out
on a date tomorrow, but, uh,
he's taking me to a gun show.
So awful.
He took everything. Even my credit cards.
-When I get the bill, -Uh oh.
He put her new boobs on my Visa.
Oh my God!
You know, we're officially out of business.
Yup. Officially, we are.
-Are you thinking about what I'm thinking? -I'll follow you.
-All right. -♪ Got a secret, can you keep it? ♪
♪ Swear this one you'll save ♪
♪ Better lock it in your pocket ♪
♪ Taking this one to the grave ♪
♪ If I show you then I know you won't tell what I said ♪
♪ 'Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead ♪
♪ Why do you smile like you've been told a secret? ♪
♪ Now you're telling lies 'cause you have sworn to keep it ♪
♪ But no one keeps a secret ♪
♪ No one keeps a secret ♪
♪ Why when do our darkest deeds do we tell? ♪
♪ They burn in our brains, become a living hell ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody tells ♪
♪ Everybody tells ♪
♪ Got a secret, can you keep it? ♪
♪ Swear this one you'll save ♪
♪ Better lock it in your pocket ♪
♪ Taking this one to the grave ♪
♪ If I show you then I know you won't tell what I said ♪
♪ 'Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead ♪